Waking up and standing in front of the mirror and struggling to recognise the subtle changes to your skin, the look of tiredness and knowing you have to start your day all over again. Thoughts of emptiness ringing. Normally your morning would start with positive self talk, planning your day and making a list of the people you want to contact to bring it all to a close.
But as you stand in front of that mirror you are filled with thoughts of doubt, doubt around your capacity to encompass love. Your inability to encompass enough for yourself and share it with the rest of the world for a day, a month or two. Recognising that this will not last forever and having a therapist that is attempting to help you recognise yourself and ensuring that you are able to stay above water every second week.
Like sand through an hour glass, one portion filling the other you begin to reach out to the person you see in the mirror. A high five a day keeps the doctor away. That turns into going on walks, while listening to a faith based podcast that speaks life into your abyss. Slowly working your way back to yourself and like starting a car that has not been in use for a couple months you need a jump start to the engine known as your heart. As the lights start to flicker internally you ask for help, from friends, family and one more session a month from your favourite psychologist.
As tough as the beginning of the year was, I hope that I always hold onto this feeling of being empowered to recognise myself over and over again. I don’t mean recognising myself through hurt and pain but putting myself in a position where I can find contentment in my decisions and the moments I find myself in. Being able to be present for myself, affirming myself, for myself.
> Omar Apollo — Evergreen
